I just feel so alone, I fucking hate BPD, I hate how my father neglected me so now I can’t even do basic chores corrrctly, I hate bring autistic, I hate being a failure of a FUCKING trans women I’m sick and I’m tired of it.
I’m 24 nearly 25, I have an assosites in computer info systems, never once got a job that wasnt retail. I live with roomates who I used to be friends with but now hate me because I’m fucking horrible, and self depericate all the time. My mental health is horrible, I disassosite constantly, its gotten so bad I forgot three entire weeks of my life, just gone. I have basiclly no short term memory. I went on leave from target since I kept getting written up for not working fast enough and I had zero perception of time, it took me multiple days to recover. My relationship at home are cold and to the point no one likes me, because meltdown constantly and cost everyone emotional labor. I’m a fucking werido basiclly. My transition is a failure, I look so masc and I’m just gross and disgusting. I drive the most beat up Prius ever, frontend is gone. I genunily get joy from nothing. I scroll endless for hours, sleep 12 hours a day. I tried to go back to school spiloer alert I’m failing everything. No one fucking cares. When I try to talk no one responds. My mom tells me she has dreams where I killed myself, and worries. I plan on ending it once she passes. There so much more I want to say but I genunily can’t string the thoughts together.
I’m a piece of shit, I’ll never get better. Me self depericating cause I didn’t do the dishes, was not a dilleribte choice so I didn’t have to do anything, it was me being vocal about how I am horrorible cause I needed to do the dishes again. Its me understanding how I’m a fuck up who can’t do anything right, its me being focal that I hate myself
I upvoted this, not because I want you dead. Quite the opposite and because I want you to know that I care, that I’m listening.
I don’t know what you’ve been through or all of what your going throw. I do know I’m not qualified to help.
There is no shame in seeking help from a qualified person. It can be a long road but you can do it. I hope you give it a shot as you deserve to be here, with us, experiencing the up’s and not just the downs of life.
Sorry you’re going through the shitstorm that life can throw at you, don’t let it win. Hoping the best for you!
Look, I’m a firm advocate of the right to death, so this ain’t about that.
What I’m seeing here is less about anything wrong with you, and more that the world kinda high key sucks for the neurodivergent. I don’t know that there’s a fix for you, but you gotta give yourself a break. Like, wouldn’t you find empathy and forgiveness for someone going through the exact shit you’re going through? I suspect you would, since most people would at least try.
So cut yourself some slack. Yeah, you’ve got a giant pile of suck landing on you, but it isn’t like you chose it. You can’t pick bpd, autism, or other forms of divergence. Literally impossible. That’s shit that happens. Beating yourself up over shit that happens to you won’t help anything, and it isn’t fair.
So, nah, you aren’t a piece of shit. You may be right that you’ll never get better, but being a piece of shit is about choosing to do things that suck, not struggling to do your best and it not working.
Besides, we all fuck up and do stupid shit, or bad shit, or lazy shit. I sure as fuck do my share. Find some forgiveness along the way.
You may be right that you’ll never get better, but being a piece of shit is about choosing to do things that suck, not struggling to do your best and it not working.
Yes!
Besides, we all fuck up and do stupid shit, or bad shit, or lazy shit. I sure as fuck do my share. Find some forgiveness along the way.
Absolutely.
not trying to fix anything for you, I would never presume. but some of those problems are related to one another. Not blaming you and I have no prescriptive advice, I just am sorry your life is like this.
I hope some time between now and then you get to experience something that’s nice, and that in that moment you can almost feel it’s worth it. You are worthy of it.
I’m really sorry you’re experiencing this pain and frustration. Like others said, I think therapy would really go far in your life. You need someone to safely talk to and get feedback. Positive feedback especially when it’s warranted.
All of these things are temporary. The world sucks right now, it won’t always. Parts (hell maybe all) of your life sucks but it won’t always. Everything changes, sometimes slowly, sometimes quickly, sometimes you’re in control of the change sometimes you’re not. I know it probably feels permanent and probably feels like it’s always been bad but that’s your brain lying to you because you’re feeling shitty. It’s a feedback loop. It’s absolutely fixable as are a lot of the issues you’ve listed. It’s okay sometimes for today to suck. Because that makes tomorrow more vibrant. It makes you more compassionate because you’ve been there. Just please remember, how you’re feeling and how you’re seeing the world is temporary.
I’m at that point where I’m just hatec by everyone. -
The moment you’re in is temporary. This too will pass. Things change, that’s the only real constant. With a bit of work things can change for the better. Hold on, keep pushing through. Life is shit a lot of the time for everyone. The moments that aren’t are what makes it worth it. You are so young and have so many more opportunities for those happy moments.
So what if people hate you right now, they aren’t the measure of your worth. People will come into your life, some will stay and some will go.
I know it’s hard but you cant let sour moments and dark thoughts to consume the infinite possibilities that lie ahead of you.
so work on not hating yourself. Your own opinion of who you are is all that matters.
to note, feeling masc and ugly is about the most feminine thing in my cis opinion. I just dreamt a man left me for skin and bones with nipple covers and I freaked out screaming, “sorry im noy pretty, skinny or wealthy enough”. Then I woke up. Im enough, and so are you.
Suicide is a permanent fix to a temporary problem. Please don’t kill yourself.
Things will get better, and the first step is most often therapy. Finding a good therapist is a journey in and of itself, but pays off in the long run.
Lets hope your mum lives a long life and you find something to be happy for before she passes.
Respect to the beat up car though, too many people rushing to get new cars all the time.
Environment and diet are probably significant influences on how you are feeling right now. If you are willing to go to such an extreme maybe you could go a little further by significantly changing your lifestyle instead.
are you me? cuz this post just kinda sounds like me.
no but seriously I feel your pain and I hope it gets better for you.
what do you do for fun? any TV/movies/video games/music/hobbies? they dont have to bring you joy right now, just wondering what you like c:
hey. i see you. i hate myself too. i dont really know what to do about it. i was hoping transitioning would help, and it did some. i was hoping making trans friends would help, and it did some. never as much as id like. understanding my audhd helped some too, but i still have to deal with it. im gonna be weird by anyones standards for the rest of my life. i wish i knew how to help, to take this pain away from you. maybe then i could help myself too. at this point im only really living for sex and taking care of my cats, and its too fucking hard to have sex. i know me telling you this isnt really going to help, but i wanted you to know youre not alone.
Ive been suicidal for a long time and getting meds in prison helped me not kill myself and get out somewhat better so maybe ask a doctor or commit a crime?
Have you sought professional help? I’ve known people who underwent DBT and were able to change the behaviors they hated about themselves. It’s not easy or fast, but it can be the difference between a downward spiral to a painful end and building a self that you can be proud of.
You’ve got a Prius. A shame it’s a bit crook by the sound of it, but it’s great to have a hybrid.
Maybe put the words into an array instead of a string?
Got any pets? They’re more understanding than people sometimes.
Being weird is cool.
Emotions don’t always reveal their sources.
I just dropped my phone on my face.
Grieving is natural and necessary.
12 hours of sleep and scrolling sounds amazing. Also dreams are just dreams. They tell more about the person who dreams than anything else.
Also you have a car that will probably last the next 10 years.
I scroll endless for hours
If you’re at all able to, this is absolutely the thing you should focus on stopping. Can you do long walks?
It gets better op, there are paths out of that hole, but as long as you believe they aren’t there you will never find them.
