I just feel so alone, I fucking hate BPD, I hate how my father neglected me so now I can’t even do basic chores corrrctly, I hate bring autistic, I hate being a failure of a FUCKING trans women I’m sick and I’m tired of it.
I’m 24 nearly 25, I have an assosites in computer info systems, never once got a job that wasnt retail. I live with roomates who I used to be friends with but now hate me because I’m fucking horrible, and self depericate all the time. My mental health is horrible, I disassosite constantly, its gotten so bad I forgot three entire weeks of my life, just gone. I have basiclly no short term memory. I went on leave from target since I kept getting written up for not working fast enough and I had zero perception of time, it took me multiple days to recover. My relationship at home are cold and to the point no one likes me, because meltdown constantly and cost everyone emotional labor. I’m a fucking werido basiclly. My transition is a failure, I look so masc and I’m just gross and disgusting. I drive the most beat up Prius ever, frontend is gone. I genunily get joy from nothing. I scroll endless for hours, sleep 12 hours a day. I tried to go back to school spiloer alert I’m failing everything. No one fucking cares. When I try to talk no one responds. My mom tells me she has dreams where I killed myself, and worries. I plan on ending it once she passes. There so much more I want to say but I genunily can’t string the thoughts together.
I’m a piece of shit, I’ll never get better. Me self depericating cause I didn’t do the dishes, was not a dilleribte choice so I didn’t have to do anything, it was me being vocal about how I am horrorible cause I needed to do the dishes again. Its me understanding how I’m a fuck up who can’t do anything right, its me being focal that I hate myself
Look, I’m a firm advocate of the right to death, so this ain’t about that.
What I’m seeing here is less about anything wrong with you, and more that the world kinda high key sucks for the neurodivergent. I don’t know that there’s a fix for you, but you gotta give yourself a break. Like, wouldn’t you find empathy and forgiveness for someone going through the exact shit you’re going through? I suspect you would, since most people would at least try.
So cut yourself some slack. Yeah, you’ve got a giant pile of suck landing on you, but it isn’t like you chose it. You can’t pick bpd, autism, or other forms of divergence. Literally impossible. That’s shit that happens. Beating yourself up over shit that happens to you won’t help anything, and it isn’t fair.
So, nah, you aren’t a piece of shit. You may be right that you’ll never get better, but being a piece of shit is about choosing to do things that suck, not struggling to do your best and it not working.
Besides, we all fuck up and do stupid shit, or bad shit, or lazy shit. I sure as fuck do my share. Find some forgiveness along the way.
Yes!
Absolutely.