I just dont see a point anymore, I applied to every IT role under the sun and nothing, IT was jut step down cause I grew up and realized, I had better chances of winning the lottery than getting a game Dev job, or hevk really any cs gig that did anything cool. I tried to make the best of that decision, now I’m realizing there is a very high likelyhood I just work at Walmart forever, and I’m like fuck that. My firnefs tell me thats okay everyone hates their job I need to grow the fuck up. Like dude what the actual fuck. Your telling me I’m gonna spend 40 hours week of my life, not be able to afford anything nice or even have time. And die alone at 70 fuck that. The second my parents die, I’m the literal second I get the call, buying a gun, and driving out in the middle of no where, eating my favorite food I bought on credit card and pulling the trigger. There ain’t nothing to live for, I’m autistic anti social, fuck this shit. I didn’t habe fun, the past 24 years have been shit. No one cares about me, fuck it. I’m done. I cried for the past 6 hours the only thought of joy I fucking had was blowing my brains out. To not have to do this fucking shit anymore. I fucking hating it. I hate myself too.
Oh sweetheart, you sound so angry and so sad and so exhausted. I really feel for you - grieving your optimism and your hope. It’s so so hard when you feel so worn out.
There is some chance you will work at Walmart for some time but it is not definite.
Things change and they’ve been so absolutely shit for a while now that they have to soon. I can’t tell if you already work full-time or not but having a stable wage makes life much easier. There is a silver lining.
Game dev is not simple to get into. This doesn’t mean you’ll never develop games, I promise.
Having to accept the nature of being working class and having to work forever is really painful and it’s okay to find it really painful and why wouldn’t you. It is complete bullshit. It is easier when you have a job you don’t hate though or at least get to feel like you’re expressing your values through.
I’m here for advice if you want practical advice but I think what you need right now is just mainly sympathy.
It is really hard, anyone would find it sad, and is extremely scary to find suicide an attractive option. I’m so sorry you feel so scared at the moment. What you need is to just get through the day at the moment.
Don’t focus too much on the future, just focus on looking after yourself. It won’t fix everything but it will get you through the bad days until you can problem solve again. Eating, washing, clean clothes, fresh air, getting some rest (ideally sleep but if you can’t sleep, dark room, stay warm, nature sounds, that kind of thing).
Sometimes you have to go through waves of these feelings so just try and hunker down and get through it. Our brains suggest lots of ideas to try and problem solve in difficult scenarios and sometimes they suggest really bad ones which can be really scary. Sometimes you have to just kind of be like " okay brain, I know that’s what you think is a good idea right now but we’re just going to do something else for a bit". And then you get the control back.
I’m on leave from work cause I nearly got fired, truthfully I’m too disabled to be doing thay much ohyically labor at the speed they want. But what choice do I have, I’m nervous as I go back on the 29th, and I’m worse now. I ball my eyes out a lot. Its not so much about I have to work forever, but its the fact there’s nothing left really, like if I did work retail forever what is the point exactly. Life is the passage of time, and how you spend that. If I spent 99% of it in some box all day, pushing Freight I can’t afford, getting yelled at by people richer than me. As I get sicker and sadder. What’s the point. Its so bad I disassosite, I lost 3 entire weeks of my life, I did not remember any of it. Just gone like it never happened, my brain deleted it. This happens so much, the time between last April and this April genunily feel like a couple of months ago to me. I just want more than this, anything more then this. I want out.
I’m so sorry to hear all that… You are dealing with a fuck ton of pressure! Not surprised you want to get rid of all this and sort it out.
I completely understand about the fear of the passage of time and I feel very aware of my mortality so I really get what you’re saying. I just tried to spend my time as best I can and part of that is earning a wage so that I can at least buy the things I want to do on my time off or not have to worry about the basics (food, bills, housing, meds)
All I can advise is just keep trying to look after the basics - it makes the bad stuff easier and that effect will stack and then it becomes easier.
I always say weed can be really helpful because it makes you forget the stressful things in your life but the problem is then you don’t address the stressful things in your life, which keeps you in limbo, if you know what I mean.
Going back after being off work succkkkkkssss. I’ve always found it so embarrassing weird and awkward. Are you able to at least not stay at work on your lunch break or whatever, just get out and go for a walk to get some space?
Sorry if you have shitty working conditions and what I’m describing isn’t even possible! If you can’t go for a walk can you find somewhere quiet to just hideout? I used to go and lie on the floor in the prayer room to decompress at work cuz no one ever prayed in there 👍😁
What do you do outside of work?
I smoke weed if I can get my hands on it which is rarer are rarer these days, I snort crushed uo concerta, doesn’t do much anymore, had better luck actually taking it as prescribed, I used to feel something when I did.
No shame with the drugs, and that maybe part of your problem. Bring nerodivergent with mental illness can really fuck you up with how drugs work for you. Depending on how (not) addicted you are it maybe worth going sober and see if that helps.
I used to hang out with people but then they got their own lives, I sometimes play video games. Recently its gotten to a point where I dont habe much energy so I just end up sleeping. I sleep like 12 hours a day normally, since my body physically takes that long to recover after a day of doing stuff.
How often do you go outside? Just sitting outside your house could help.