I’m a 43–year-old man. Well-educated, with a healthy social skill level. I’ve always been surrounded by friends. Always invited to parties and events, both happy and sad, without effort on my part. Last year I moved from the city to a country farm and I came to the realisation that I had been the one maintaining contact. I was the one initiating every time, and when I stopped, they all went away. We’re not talking just one friend either. I’m talking full-on loss of an entire social circle.
It’s been a rough year, socially and emotionally speaking. My partner has borne the brunt of it, being my only contact and social outlet. I just don’t understand it. If I had been an atrocious person then people wouldn’t have interacted with me like they did, seemingly voluntarily and happily. I was invited to every wedding, engagement, birthday, hiking trip, you name it. I was made to feel welcome and wanted. As long as, it turns out, I was the one sending the first message, making the first call.
Am I a crap person in need of extensive therapy, or am I missing something?
Eleanor says: A dear friend of mine busted his leg a while ago. Got cleaned up by a motorcyclist while he was riding his bike. Boot on the foot, needed a scooter to get around, the whole thing. Early on after his surgery he sent a spreadsheet around to his friends: I’m going to need some help, thanks so much for being someone I can ask, if you could pop yourself down for a day and a time we’ll make sure the trash gets taken out and the cats’ litter gets changed.
I don’t think that’s a good parallel. Some people genuinely want to help and don’t know how, so a spreadsheet is perfect for that situation. Other people feel an obligation to help, so seeing other people jump in will make them act as well.
Before reading the rest of the article, I thought that it’s okay being the friend that most always initiates conversation, but not the one that absolutely always does that. If (all) your friends that frequently hear from you don’t stop to wonder what happened after weeks of silence, that’s not an asymmetry issue, that’s people not caring.
The thought that we need to get our friend’s attention the same way creators do popped into my head and I hope it’s just something silly I can’t shake off. There’s another thought, though. Being that kind of friend doesn’t allow you to have any depressive episodes or risk falling down more than you should with a supposedly support system around you.
when I quit Facebook a while back I quickly learned who were friends that valued me and who just considered me entertainment to consume.
