I’ve realized that I’m one of those people who always demands too much of themselves. I’m constantly thinking that I’m not doing enough and that I need to be doing more.
Recently, all this exhaustion finally caught up with me, and I got sick. I thought it was a perfect excuse to finally relax: just play video games, do nothing, and actually enjoy myself.
So, I started playing games and tried to stop guilt-tripping myself for being “unproductive.” Around the same time, my brother told me that this “cult of productivity” mostly serves capitalists — they want you to keep improving so they can get more out of you for the same pay. They want you to spend your energy becoming “better” instead of actually resting.
I thought that after a week of being sick, I’d be ready to jump back into my usual hobbies. But I wasn’t. Now, I don’t even know if I actually like programming or self-hosting anymore. Did I ever really enjoy it, or did I just convince myself I did?
It’s been two or three weeks now, and I’m still doing almost nothing. I’m starting to doubt everything I was interested in. I just wanted to share these feelings and ask: has anyone else been in a situation like this? Where you just don’t know what you’re doing it for anymore?
Thanks for listening.
Been there. Got so bad that at one point I was seriously concerned I’d get fired over lack of productivity due to anxiety and depression. I was already in therapy for the anxiety (and some traumatic events that were then recent in my life) but had been resisting pharmaceuticals.
Two things helped me. One, I started keeping a weekly list of the hours I’d been mentally “on the clock” at least trying to work – whether or not I actually got anything useful done – along with a note of what I was trying to work on. When I got to 40 hours, I was done for the week. Off the clock. Unless I was doing something that I really wanted to get done or some emergency that really needed my attention came up, I was just done. Could do whatever the fuck I wanted with my time with no guilt. (If I did get called for a work emergency or was pursuing something particularly interesting, I logged those hours and deducted them from the next week’s 40 hours.) I used a text file for this and wrote a little python script to tally my hours automatically – do what works for you. This alone helped me a lot.
The second thing I did was I got on an SSRI. That reduced the amount of chest pain and severity of anxiety attacks I was having. After they took effect, I’d say I had more of “Oh fuck it, I’ll just do it” attitude to things I’d put off from anxiety before. Didn’t solve everything, mind you, and I still have a hard time getting myself to go outside regularly, but it’s not the ordeal it was every time before, at least. It lowered the bar for doing things rather than removing it completely, basically.
If your problems persist, seek a therapist. A licensed, human therapist – not an LLM! – and tell them what’s going on. My therapist strongly encouraged me to try medication after we’d been talking for a while, and eventually I took his advice and got a psychiatrist who prescribed the SSRIs.
Best of luck.