So idk if this the right place to post my rant, but oh well. But how long are bad phases supposed to last? I am 18M in a conservative south asian society and the last year has been pretty atrocious😅. It started with:
I had a cousin/teacher who I was very close to (she was my cousin and also a teacher who taught me in school). So by the time I was in grade 12 I used to depend on her a lot because I dont rlly have siblings or friends (friends as in emotionally supportive ones). But she got married last year and her husband had serious trouble with us talking because “its not good for society”. Now at that moment I was not sure whether to cry or laugh my ass off because bro essentially self reported that he spends too much time watching shady stuff on the orange website.
Anyway but I am a person with naturally very low neuroticism so I went on with my life, which was about to get tougher with all the college shit here in south asia. I worked very hard for the entrance exam here, but I was woefully unprepared. I fucked it up. Felt miserable but anyway again I tried to keep moving. But I couldn’t find any college as my friends kinda ghosted me at the last minute (they were like we will go to a private college together). So I spent all those months from april to august essentially just being miserable. I just learned some FreeCAD and did some writing which I liked.
So after that I decided to take a gap year to work hard for the exam again. Idk what was my rationale for betting on 100:1 odds (yeah those r the odds here of getting a good college with the entrance exam). But I just did because I bought into the “hardwork pays off” propaganda. So anyway I naturally failed after still working my ass off and burning out. I did not even try after the January attempt (the first paper happens in January. And second in april) because I literally couldn’t open a math problem without crying. So i gave up there. However i Had pretty good highschool marks and a decent skillset + I wrote very good SOPs and tried applying to international unis where i thought i might have a chance. But got ghosted there as well (i need a scholarship which r way more competitive than standard admissions ig, the west is out of question for that reason anyway). There r a few left but I am no longer betting on any chances. I will ATP just get any clg I get accepted in here.
Another part of struggle is that I hate being here🫡. I do not use stuff like instagram or snapchat so I am not even comparing. But i feel when ppl say to just feel the world they come from the west or places in the east like japan and korea where the baseline is so high it cud be my retirement. Here u cant see any sunset because the air is fucked. U cant take a peaceful walk because sidewalks dont exist and if u arent paying attention u will get launched into orbit by an SUV and nothing will happen they will run away. You cant go to a park because the good ones are far and cost money and the local ones are essentially gambling spots and if u get caught there its social suicide. So I am just stuck at home all day rotting in bed, where a successful day for me is just a day that has passed. While my mom yells at me for being a failure for wasting a year and not getting a good rank in the competitive exam.
Ah man im coming across as rlly pissed off🫣 but i am just more exhausted. I dont seem to have the motivation for anything. I tried to do stuff I like. Speedcubing, photography. But even brushing seems like a chore to me. The only thing that makes me feel something is music. Funny thing I actually wanted to learn bass since forever. But i cant because people here think “music is devil” so I have just been waiting forever once I get to college then I will learn.
Its not all doom and gloom. The “friends” I do have we can hang out smtms and makes me feel better for a little while. Plus i do have one frnd who is a bit emotionally supportive. But she is a girl, i am a boy. So we cant hang out or even call. We just talk on text. Plus she has many frnds and teachers to help her so I dont want to bother them either🙂
Its a really long post here😅tbh I initially thought I wont post from my main account because I didnt want to. But i simply ran out of patience to want to submit applications on instances to let me in before I can rant on online forums. I might prolly just nuke this account later ATP. But right now its just whatever. I hv noticed m also rlly apathetic these days. I seem to not care about anything much. I just feel m too exhausted. Just hope this long slog smhow passes🫡 I get anywhere tonstart again. I also recently had an accident on my scooter when I went crying from home because my big brother (i know i said i had no siblings. I meant practically, he is there but he might as well not be all he does but s make me mad just) yelled at me and i was in a bad state. SoI did a rookie move and decided not to abide by my theory class lessons to not drive emotionally, and yeah got into an accident and totalled my scooter. So i cant drive as well. Its taking forever to Fix it coz the whole chassis is gone. Thankfully i survived that. The law of large numbers lmao. Life keeps fucking me Up so it also pays back smtms by not transferring me to an ICU.
So yeah life’s fucked🫡 a long slof since 4 months and another 4 months left.
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Hey man, I read your post, and I just wanted to say: give yourself a massive break.
You’re 18, living in a high-pressure environment with almost no physical or emotional “escape” and you’ve just survived a literal wreckage. It’s completely normal that you’re feeling apathetic and exhausted. That isn’t “laziness”, it’s burnout.
Regarding the Bass guitar: hold onto that. If music is the only thing making you feel something right now, let it be your lifeline. Don’t worry about it being “the devil”. it’s going to be your therapy once you get to college.
You’re in the ‘waiting room’ of your life right now. It’s boring, it’s frustrating, and the air sucks but the door will open in four months. Get into whatever college accepts you, get out of that house, and go buy that bass. Hang in there. You’re closer to the exit than you think 🫡
Thanks a lot for those words. I actually had a better last few hours just after this post😅. So i am feeling a bit better atleast rn
You are in a difficult life transition moment. I struggled myself at this point of life. I found that sometimes music was the only thing that made me feel ok and that I wasn’t alone. Here is a song in support. It has a wicked bass line and i hope it helps you as you navigate your current situation. You will get through this.
Thats a really cool bassline! Thanks a lot for sharing. I actually got into bass watching bocchi the rock anime when it first came out. Were nice days back then man and such an amazing anime.
I went through an extremely tough period for years but ultimately I figured it out and found happiness. Part of the key is never stop listening to people who tell you it gets better. It actually does.
Stay agile and be able to roll with the punches and evolve as the situation demands. There’s no reason to believe in just one path over the others but it seems that way at that age. Friends will come and go over the years, it can be sad at times but it’s also a sign that you’re changing and evolving as well.
Give yourself some grace and patience, you can get to a place where you’re happy even if you don’t know what that looks like yet.
Thanks a lot for those words
Just trying to be a human on the Internet
*message generated with Gemini Pro by Google
Just kidding lol, I couldn’t resist
🫂 sending love my friend. Please be gentle with yourself
Thanks a lot
I am not sure if you remember me, but we did have a small chat before here (and in dms). Greetings.
I am sorry for all this and all I can say is life is too long, and as you say, law of large numbers, eventually things will line up for you. I had an episode a bit like yours (but shorter, and definitely not as hard as yours), going through a similar life on bed period. But things did turn around for me. I hope much better happens with you.
I get your situation regarding cousin and female friend. We live in a fucked up country don’t we. I never even had female friends, mostly school/college mates, and in best cases we were on first name basis. But I do relate more with cousin situation. I wont go into specific, but our “culture and society” is definitely something.
Freecad (or cad in general) is a really great skill to have. You might not know or realise this yet, but a lot of jobs are studying how a system would fare, and simulating is almost always the prefered way. having a good cad model is definitely a good chunk of work. If you can somehow learn fem/fea/fdtd , you can also simulate physics of the system, and that can straight land some opportunities for you. In case you want to know of relevant software, please do hit the high seas.
Our environment is truly fucked. luckily in my "child"hood (about 7-8 years ago), I stopped going to parks because they kept getting shittier, and more and more of my friends had stopped playing cause of “studies”.
“music is devil” is the only one i did not get. Maybe something reigonal? if it is about it just being a hobby and not a profession, that I get, but where I live, I certainly have not heard that. But that is so sad. I do happen to know how to play a instrument, but it is so big, I can basically carry it anywhere, and for about past 5 years, I started to whistle, as it is closest to having a instrument for me. Also great choice on instrument.
Sorry for writing this much, I almost always do a word vomit. I just want to say this, but don’t know how to say this without sounding dishonest or like I do not mean it, but please feel free to reach in case you need anything. I do not know how can I be helpful to you, but please be hopeful.
Haha yeah lemmy is such a small place😅. Tysm for reaching out again. I hope u r doing well. About the music is devil thing, its less a total ban against music, more of a very real simmering tension about music generally, humming songs is fine but my mom is gonna get mad if i get a string instrument. I am not sure but I assume it has something to do with cultural/religious stuff as well. But regardless its just a stupid thing to say. Also its funny coz i specifically went out of my way two three years back to try to talk to girls more often simply because i felt i needed to interact to learn to understand and respect them (which is what eventually happened, its hard to see them as others when u realize they mostly go thru the same struggles as u and more). But yeah in all that i did ended up with a half decent frndship as well.
Idk its just a bad phase rn. I did try to learn something “better” than freecad like solidworks, and my dad suggested Pro/E, but i am simply too exhausted to do anything including sailing the sea (I m not a pro at it and the few times i have done it it was exhausting). I also tried learning a new language (mandarin). Learned a few phrases. And burned out again especially after being rejected by an intl scholarship. Just hope this slump passes eventually.
Also really cool u can play an instrument. I really admire ppl who can😅 as it has been my dream for a long time. I presume u do drums? Thats rlly cool
I presume u do drums?
too much energy i can not sustain. I can tap on tables a bit.
I play harmonium, which is like piano, but a bit different
